Darling

Little Buddy <3

Two days ago, Little Buddy, my K9 BFF passed away. No one knows for sure what from yet. I feel….horrible. He was the BEST dog I have ever known, or whose life I have been a part of. I can’t stop crying. I already missed him seeing as he’s been in Austin with Peter and I’ve been in San Antonio. It breaks my heart that there will be no more taking him camping (which he kinda hated, but he was coming around) No more Happy Feet when he sees me. No more hearing from friends who ran into him or dog sat that he still responds to hearing my name or seeing a photo of me. No more being sent pictures of him being so freaking cute your insides stop what they’re doing. Buddy’s illness seems to have possibly passed on to Peter. The doctors have no idea if he’ll make it, if he’s dying, or what. He’s experiencing something LIKE Bells Palsy, but not exactly it. They don’t think its Lyme’s because A) not a common thing in Texas, especially given the recent weather, and B) How could Buddy pass it to Peter? He’s in a lot of pain. I can’t stop thinking about how awful I was to him last time we spoke, or saw each other. How mean, insecure, angry, and scared I treated him. Guillermo is pretty pissed about me crying over both dog and ex and not just dog. I don’t know how to make him see it like I do. No matter what our current standing, love, friendship, rivalry, hate, indifference, whatever; if I have ever cared about you in any way, and you’re DYING, I’m going to cry. Its just how I am. I cried so hard I’m losing my voice. I lost my temper with Guillermo for getting mad and not holding me or being sweet when I was crying. I yelled and was a total bitch. I even threw a Nike Dunk at him. I haven’t lost my temper in a really long time. I feel like I’m losing my grip on my life. I’m losing control. I can’t find a job, still. I can’t find the silver lining anymore. People are slipping through my fingers. In the last year I’ve lost more loved ones than I care to try and count. Bike wrecks, car wrecks, illness, suicide, and even murder.

I need a clean slate, ASAP.

Fresh start.

Something.

A fucking break.

Is this my punishment for walking past Temple every day and never stopping in?

Punishment for my teen years/early twenties when I damn near ripped my family apart?

I’m sorry.

Everyone, Guillermo, Peter, Tyler, Sam, Kait, Mom, Dad, Tony, Katrin, Nicole, Micheal, Shannon, Stephanie, Max, Ryan, Brit, Nikolai, AM, fucking….everyone.

All of you.

I’m fucking sorry. I’m sorry I am shitty at staying in touch. I’m sorry I am strong willed, thick headed, ornery, and hell bent on learning EVERYTHING the hard way. I’m sorry I didn’t live up to my full potential. I’m sorry I’ve shamed the family. I’m sorry I hurt Dad so much he won’t even email me/text/call. Not even on my birthday. I’m sorry I wasn’t the daughter that Mom wanted. Granted, to my credit, if she wanted me to turn out a certain way, perhaps she should have tried her hand at raising me, instead of abandoning Tony and I. I’m sorry I’m not ready to forgive her 100% or trust her.

I’ve fucked it all up, and I’m sorry.

TESTY

Setting up tumblr for my phone so I can have a diary again

5/27/09

Boyfriend told me today that he loves me.

Both joy and panic.

I love him.

He knows that.

But I still don’t want to drop my gaurds fully.

I don’t want to be hurt, again, for the millionth time.

And he has a lot of potential to tear me apart.

I just don’t want it to move too fast.

Fast relationships come to fast endings.

Not Preggo

THANK GOD

Although, I can’t help but feel a bit disappointed, which is startling.

hm…

04/23/09

I have been grumpy so much lately.

Since the broken condom, I’ve been terrified.

I can’t be a mom yet.

I don’t trust that Peter wouldn’t run.

I don’t trust that I can care for a kid.

I’ve been snippy, and the fact that my period is acting weird only makes it ten times worse.

In three weeks I can take a test, till then I’m holding my breath.

I’m been holding my tongue already…

I don’t want to say how I am starting to feel.

Saying it now could only worsen things.

I’m already wondering if he’s getting bored with me, or sick of me.

Grumble.

Sometimes I feel insecure.

A lot of guys end up with crushes on me, and I knnnooowww how that just sounded, but, yeah.

Quite a few of my male friends either like me, or did once.

I’m chill. I’m one of the guys. They feel comfortable talking about girls around me the way that they do around the other guys. I’ve stopped being shocked by the way men see us, in fact, its nice insight.

Sadly, that insight helps me see what I am to the men around me, and to my significant others. I don’t know how to change it without changing things about myself that I am passionate about.

I’ve been told before that I come across as tomboyish, even “mannish”

I’m not curvy. I have strong shoulders, and my frame is set wide as opposed to petite. My legs look strong.

To guys, I’ve been shown, time and time again that I am a stepping stone. I’m that cool girl they praise for being unlike any other girl, for being chill, for not being crazy, for being able to get my hands dirty. But ultimately, I get left for the uber girly girls, and those girls, the crazy, catty, pretty, petite really GIRLY girls are the ones they stick with for a long time. I’m the easy going no effort girl to date before moving on to the higher maintenance girls. Its like a practice round, or an appetizer.  I’m not long term. I’m longish term.

I need a makeover.

I want to learn to be more feminine.

But I don’t want to lose my love of bike mechanics, or baseball, or the art of the zing, or video games, or beer pong, or camping, or any of the “tom boy” shit that I do.

I dunno.

I didn’t grow up around women.

I don’t have any female friends in this state.

I have, uh, two female friends? Kait and Kelkel?

I dunno.

I feel awkward…

I’ve watched almost every ex of mine to leave me for a girly girl give her flowers, take her out, buy her jewelry, and be sweet and romantic.

Until last night, I have never been on a real date. And even then it was my idea, I picked the place, and I paid for half. Not that last night wasn’t amazing. It truely was.

I just wonder when its my turn to get a call from the boy telling me to don the little black dress and some heels, we’re going out. When do I get flowers? I have never ever ever been given flowers minus the corsage from Kriss for prom, and some Valentines flowers from my dad when I was 6 years old.

How come not being one of those “crazy high maintenance bitchy girls” means I am not worthy of romance? Being like one of the guys doesn’t mean that I am. I am still, ultimately, a girl. 

04/20/09

I know its been a while since I have posted.

sorry.

I started a new job, that I hate. Waitressing is for the masochistic.

I have been homesick for Austin, only 30 minutes away, and it may as well be 4,757,346,578,463,756,378 miles away seeing as I don’t drive. I miss being able to hop a bus anywhere I need or want to go, I miss living alone, I miss having even a sub par coffee job, I miss being able to go places when I got the urge, not if IFFFF one if my (sorry, but true) lazy ass friends wanted to maybe give me a ride, MAYBE.

I’m not mad about my roomies, I love them, I’m just frustrated with how much I have to rely on them for shit. I’m more active than they are too, I’d like to be able to bus my way to the Springs on my days off and sit in the sun and swim, and see friends….

This summer is going to be pretty shitty if I can’t regain my independence. 

Meh.

Things are going okay though. Peter got me a new bike frame a little while back ago. I really like it, the color is pretty., and its better fitted to my size. I just need to get parts for it that are worthy.

Peter and I have started this gay shit where we say “I almost love you!” to each other. Its pretty cute. I’m very happy with himmmmmmm, he doesn’t push me too fast, and he’s not been like, weird and distant and flakey. he’s really sweet. :) I don’t want to fall for him though…. I don’t know if I’m ready to have my heart all the way in someone elses hands just quite yet, you know?

More bike wishlisting, for the new frame….

Rear but as a flip flop fixed/free (any fellow bike nerds that see this, yes, I am aware that that is a front wheel, and that fixed/free vintage campy disc wheels are not easy to come by. its the only picture I could find, and a girl can dream, damnit.)

front

Probably my new favorite thing ever.

4/2/09

So, right now, I’m making the boys look at BBW porn. 

Anyhow, I’m still waiting on my foodstamps to be filled. I’m super sick of this one snack a day as my food for the day shit. Peter and I had a super weak sammich that we split today. 

I’m sick of this bike crap, too.

I need a job ASAP.

Going to Corpus tomorrow.