Darling

Feeling good.

Sun, 15 Nov 2009 22:11:56 -0600

After all of the shit I went through in San Antonio, I moved up to Dallas to live with Johnny Suede and his roomies. So far they’re all amazing, they’re all really helpful, fun, funny, and they have their shit set straight. They’ve all been introducing me around to people, inviting me places, and helping look for a job bar backing. It feels good to be around people I can relate to. People that know JUST where I am in my life, have been there, and are helpful and supportive. I’ve been needing this. Johnny wins the Best Friend award of 2009, for sure. Honorable mentions go to David, Nixon, Luis, Benji, Trey, and Dave. :)

Hopefully I cans tart working here ASAP, get a new cellie, save my monies, and get my ass to Orlando to get married and get that ball rolling. I can’t wait to see Ritch. Just talking to him on FB makes me giddy and happy and ready for the new life I am about to have. School. Work. Hubbyman. Friends. Family. And hopefully I’ll rediscover the joy I know I am capable of feeling. Less stress. Check out the small things, take notes, smile.

I love you all.

Burning Bridges

Mon, 09 Nov 2009 18:53:57 -0600

My entire life I’ve done everything the hard way. I’ve made myself into a huge joke, a laughing stock, a sad story. I’ve burned all of my bridges. I have no real close friends. My family barely acknowledges me. I’ve pushed them away, made them uncomfortable to even talk to me, made myself the kid no one talks about. It seems cold of them, but its really not. I don’t blame them at all. It is my fault. Thats not some psychological abuse talking, thats an adult saying she’s made some truly horrible mistakes. My whole life I’ve lied about several things. I’ve run from all of my problems. I’ve pushed anyone away who has really cared. I’ve been narcissistic, petty, self destructive, lazy, and manipulative. The English language doesn’t come equipped to express how tired I am. I need to come clean. I need to change. I just don’t know how, or where to start.

I miss my dad more than anything. I’ve lied about him, I’ve lied to him, I’ve said things that no one should ever say to someone to him. I’ve been hateful and willful and an all around shitty daughter. I’ve made him doubt himself, made him feel sad, angry, disappointed. Ultimately, I made him separate himself from me. I don’t think that there is anyone I’ve tortured even close to as much as I have tortured him. I would give anything, including my own life, to take it all back. But I can’t. I don’t know how to make it better, or even if I can. I wish there was a way for me to connect my brain to his and show him what I feel. Show him that my shame is real, not just a ploy to get something from him. Even then, I doubt he’d believe me.

I would give anything to turn back time and make changes. Change my relationship with my family. Be a better daughter, student, and friend. I’m deeply scared that I’ve burned so many bridges and turned everyone against myself to the point that I can never fix my life. I’m doomed to be miserable and unstable, and scared for the rest of my life. I’m afraid I’m going to end up shaking a cup on a street corner, and trying to fend for myself cold, alone, and homeless. I’m afraid its about to happen. I’m afraid that there is no hope for me, and that God has turned his back on me in his disgust. Whats my first step? Where do I go? I wish I could sit with dad and talk to him, get advice, help, a hug. Hear him say that he loves me.

I’m full of wishes and little hope.

Organic Produce Ban

Mon, 30 Mar 2009 14:16:27 -0500

US House and Senate are about (in a week and a half) to vote on bill that will OUTLAW ORGANIC FARMING (bill HR 875). There is an enormous rush to get this into law within the next 2 weeks before people realize what is happening.

Main backer and lobbyist is Monsanto - chemical and genetic engineering giant corporation (and Cargill, ADM, and about 35 other related agri-giants). This bill will require organic farms to use specific fertilizers and poisonous insect sprays dictated by a newly formed agency to “make sure there is no danger to the public food supply”. This will include backyard gardens that grow food only for a family and not for sales.

If this passes then NO more heirloom clean seeds but only Monsanto genetically altered seeds that are now showing up with unexpected diseases in humans.

Here’s a link that gives you an idea how this can be happening:
http://www.campaignforliberty.com/blog.
php?view=12671

To read the bill, you can go to http://thomas.loc.gov and enter HR875 in the search box after selecting “Bill Number”.option under the search box.

For getting the scoop by video, here are a couple more links: http://www.youtube.
com/watch?v=epXNJNjYBvw&feature=related

http://www.youtube.
com/watch?v=eeWVkTU1s1E

The name on this outrageous food plan is Food Safety Modernization Act of 2009 (bill HR 875).

THIS IS REAL, FOLKS! PASS THIS ALONG TO ALL CONCERNED ON YOUR MAILING LISTS & CALL YOUR SENATE REPRESENTETIVES TODAY! Get on that phone and burn up the wires. Get anyone else you can to do the same thing. The House and Senate WILL pass this if they are not massively threatened with loss of their position…. They only fear your voice and your vote.

The best thing to do is go to www.house.gov/writerep all you have to do is put in your zip and it will give you your congressperson and how to get in touch with them. When you call their office someone will answer the phone, just tell them (politely) that you are calling to express your views on HR 875. Tell them your views, they’ll take your name and address and pass your comments along to the congressperson. The following link http://www.senate.gov/general/contact_information/senators_ cfm.cfm is a list of the U.S. senators and their contact info.

"For as long as there have been men, and men who have read Lautreamont, everything has been said and..."

Fri, 27 Mar 2009 01:31:26 -0500

““For as long as there have been men, and men who have read Lautreamont, everything has been said and few people have gained anything from it.”-Raoul Vaneigem”

"Practice an Art, no matter how badly or how well you do it. It will make your soul grow. THATS why..."

Fri, 27 Mar 2009 00:48:53 -0500

““Practice an Art, no matter how badly or how well you do it. It will make your soul grow. THATS why you do it. You don’t do it to become famous or rich. You do it to make your soul grow. This would include singing in the shower, dancing to the radio by yourself, drawing a picture of your roommate, or writing a poem or whatever-please practice an art. Have the experience of becoming. It’s so sad that many public school systems are eliminating the arts because its no way to make a living. Whats important is to have the experience of becoming, which is as necessary as food or sex. it’s quite a sensation- to become.” - Kurt Vonnegut”